CD 65: Am I Still Pregnant?

I cannot believe my cycle day reached more than 2 months.  I probably should change it to a pregnancy week (Looks like I am 6 weeks& 2 days today), but I don't have guts to do it yet.  My 2 beta numbers were great, but I am so worried weather or not I still have live embies in me.

I see people getting morning sickness & other kind of symptoms at this point.  I am not sick and I don't feel too much changes in me.  EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT and I tell myself this so many times, but I need an evidence that I am still pregnant.  I finally have my first U/S this Thursday, but this day cannot come earlier.  It's been only one week since my beta #2, but so many things can go wrong.  I learned that an embryo at week 6 develops main functions so that we can hear a heartbeat.  I am looking at my belly and I wish I could hear something.  Would I bleed or notice something strange if there is no H/B?  I am getting scared to find out the truth this Thursday.  They transferred 2 rock star embies, so I think I will break down really hard if none of them made it to this point.                 

I am so happy that I could move to PAIF board.  It's so neat to learn different topics and it hit me baby is happening for real when I saw ppl posting about their baby arrival!  This was something so new to me.  I had never seen a post of baby born on TTC, 3T & IF boards, so it wowed me and brought me tear.  Will I get there eventually??  I am praying really hard that it will happen....

CD 58: My Belated Beta 2

6818!!!!  Holy cow!  It's been six days after the first beta due to our little getaway trip, but my Beta 2 was great!  I was so worried because I didn't have cramps that much in the past couple of days and we walked tons in the hot sun in St. Louis.

I am so conscious and careful about everything which I feel like might be hurting my embies.  I hate driving on a bumpy road.  I don't like to fasten seat belt, but of course, I do.  I hesitate to bend too much.  I am uncomfortable sleeping the way I use to sleep.  I need to be careful about my loving dog and cats not jumping on my belly.  I don't want to poo! (Sorry, this is TMI!!!)  I tell myself that there won't be too many babies if they are that fragile, but I cannot help it.  Things can go wrong anytime during the 9 months, so I cannot help not to worry about many things.    

I am not too happy about not working out regularly.  My lunch workout routine is great, but I am afraid to run on a treadmill.  I heard elliptical is fine, but I am scared it might be too much.  I used to lift weight, but I am not supposed to lift more than 25 pounds (Which, I never lift that much!)  I think I am going to stick with walking for now.

Out of blue, someone became really interested in buying our house.  Our house has been on the market since April and we had a couple of showings, but we hadn't had an offer yet.  Not anymore!  We got an offer on Sunday and went back and forth with counter offers and I think we are finally reaching the verdict!  We have looked into buying existing homes, but we are strongly leaning toward building a house near DH's family.  It will be great to be close to his parents once we have babies, but it means we will be living in a apartment for a couple of months!  Ugh...assuming everything goes well, I will be pretty pregnant living in an apartment.  We are sooooo excited about all the good news, but so many things are happening, so we need to remember to breath when we get overwhelmed.    

It's getting late and I need to get up early to go into work tomorrow.  I am glad that I haven't had a nightmare recently.  I used to dream about being chased, and I freaked out when I had a dream of the end of the world.  I don't recall my dreams too often, but it feels good not to have a nightmare :)  Good night!  

CD 52: Beta #1 - Happiest Moment

I want to shout out to the world that "I AM PREGNANT!!". 

I went in for b/w @ 8:30.  The nurse was very nice and good at drawing blood, so I didn't feel anything.  She said "They will call you in a couple of hours".  I went back to work, but my mind was somewhere.  I still have this tiny cramp like my AF is coming and my boobs are a lot more sore this morning, but I started thinking "If my Beta was BFN, I must've been insane feeling this".  My cell rang around 11:30 and I saw my clinic number.  My heart stopped.  I took a deep breath and wait till it rang 3 times.

I could tell immediately it was good news.  It's funny how voice can tell if it's good or bad news.  It was an IVF nurse who was at my ER/ET.  She said "Congratulations.  You are pregnant and your number is 616."  I started crying and I couldn't believe that I am finally hearing this.  She said not to lift anything heavier than 25b and continue prenatal vitamins and progestrone (only once per day).  This part confused me little bit and she said I am considered 4 weeks along.  WHAT?  HOW?  It's been only 18 days since my ER.  I am having a Beta #2 on Monday (She wanted me to come back 2 days from now on, but we are going to St. Louis for a mini vacation).  She wants me and DH to come back for a OB Scan on 8/2.  This is when we can see how many embies (or babies??) are in me.  8/3 is my 35th birthday, so this will be an amazing birthday gift for us!!!!  I will be considered 6 weeks along (HOW?).  I am not sure how the calculation works, but I was too overwhelmed to even ask!

I ran to a store to get a pregnancy test.  I didn't POAS even once for my cycle and I had to see the positive line for the first time in my life.  Here it is...The cross line appeared immediately and positive.  This is so exciting!!!!! 

I called my DH.  I couldn't get hold of him first and he called me back. I used my low voice and pretended that it wasn't good news, but I said "I am pregnant".  I could tell his excitement over the phone!!!!  He had to go back to work, but I know we will be celebrating this tonight.  I sent a text to my BFF.  She called me and she was soooooooo happy!  I am so excited that we are now both pregnant!  She will be my mentor and I cannot wait to step in a new chapter of our lives together.  My mom called earlier, but my result wasn't in, so I told her that I will call her back.  It was past midnight in Japan by the time I called, so I couldn't get hold of her.  I think she is going to freak out! 

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!  I am so thankful for the positive vibes and supports.  I am still walking on the winding road, but I am just enjoying the moment of happiness.

Positive <3 <3 <3

After I came back from work....
DH came home earlier than he said and surprised me with this!  He is so excited about the positive beta!!!!!
I love my hubby, mwah!

                     

CD 51: A Day Before #1 Beta

I cannot believe I made it this far...I know the journey is not ending anytime soon, but tomorrow is finally my Beta 1!  The first part of 2WW absolutely drove me insane.  I have never been that emotionally distressed in my life.

How am I feeling today?  Mentally, I am still super anxious.  I haven't POASed like I promised.  It crossed my mind a couple of times, but I didn't.  I never even had a chance to POAS for my IUI cycles as Femara always shortened my cycle to 25 days.  I usually felt this "my period is coming" and BAMMM, it always did.

How am I feeling today?  Physically, I am feeling a little different since a couple of days ago....   
My boobs were big and sore around my ET.  It usually continues for a couple of days after O and they shrink.  The same thing was happening to me after IVF.  Boobs were no longer sore and became small.  I had no cramp or spotting.  I had the yucky stuff coming out, but I think it's pretty common after IVF.  Then, I started feeling something different around 8dpET.  I started having this subtle feeling of "period is coming soon".  When I have this feeling, my period arrives within 24 hours.  The worst time is when AF arrives middle of the night!  So, I mentally prepared myself to get AF and this IVF attempt was over, but today is 11dp and I still haven't gotten AF yet.  Besides that, strangely, my sore boobs are back since yesterday  What is this?!!?  I am confused because I never had something like this before....

Yes, I am bit more hopeful now, but I don't want to get too optimistic.  I have made myself pregnant before and I had all the "early pregnancy symptons".  Sore boobs, nausia, tiredness, etc and of course, the cycle was BFFN!  Also this is my first IVF cycle, so I don't trust my boby with all the shots I took.  I am still taking progestrones every day.             

Good news is....my cycle buddie Rachey had a positive Beta today!  Also, KRose got a positive result over the weekend, so I am so happy for them!!  It will be me tomorrow and LuvWfootball on Wednesday.  Luv already POASed and got +, so I love all the positive news around me.  I feel like this is a chain reaction, so I am believing this is contagious!!  In meantime, I am rubbing my belly constantly for sticky vibes!!!

CD 48: Ran into Someone I Knew from Old Work

I always wondered what I would do if I ran into someone I knew at my fertility clinic.  Would I be friendly?  Would I be awkward?  Maybe, we would become really good friends since we can relate to each other?

It then actually happened!  I had a U/S appointment for IVF a couple of weeks ago and it took me off guard.  I didn't know her too well, but I saw her leaving the lab.  Looks like she just picked up her DH's thing.  We had a brief conversation and she told me that it was her IUI#2.  She gave me a quick summary why she was there.  I was a confused by what she said...She said, both her and her DH have been happy with not having kids, but her mom is giving them pressures to TTC.  They haven't had sex for months and having some issue there.  Hmmmm....is their issue maybe not a fertility, but their intimacy problem?  Sounds like they didn't really "TTC" but decided to seek a help from RE.  Strange...  She also said, DH didn't go with her to the initial consultation. WHAT?  Isn't that the most important thing?  When I asked what fert meds and process she is going through, she didn't know that name.  She didn't know that she was doing IUI & Famera.  WHAT, REALLY??  Fertility treatment involves new experience & scary things, so I would think people do some research to be knowledgeable.  I don't want to judge her, but I think this is pretty darn important.        

She texted me today that her IUI #2 was a bust.  She was hopeful because she had 3 good follies.  I felt bad for her that it didn't work.  I know how she feels because I've been there.  I asked her if her RE told her about next plan such as IVF.  She said she hasn't asked about a further step, but will try one more IUI.    

I don't know anyone who is struggling with IF around me.  The person I share most about my IF is my BFF who is 7 months pregnant.  She has been amazing and there for me when I need, but I wonder what it is like to be able to talk to someone who is in my shoes sometimes...

CD 47: Still 2WW

I am feeling a lot better today.  Yesterday morning, my mom called me from Japan to check on me since I hadn't called her since ET.  I was whining about my whole negative things and my mom was like "If you are thinking everything so negative, embies will feel it from you.  Just rub your tummy and tell them to grow"  That worked.  Then, I listed to the IVF meditation.  That made me calm.  My DH has been texting me every day how I am doing today.  He never did this until I had a big meltdown on Sunday.  He is a my true positive sunshine, but I could tell I was causing him more stress in addition to his work stress.  So, I told myself that I have to get out of this funk right now.  I gave him a surprise 80's rock CD and made a nice dinner instead of being negative and crying.  I felt better.

I tried to remember how I coped difficulties and failures previously.  I think I worked really hard for my graduate school regardless of working full-time.  When I didn't get into a company I wanted to work for, I told myself "It wasn't meant for me.  There is something better waiting out there"  I am a big believer of everything happens for a reason.  IF is tough but I told myself that there is a reason why we are going through this in our life.  There is something fantastic (tangible or intangible) waiting for us in the end.  Sadly, my mind hasn't be able to think this way lately.

I am blessed to have amazing husband, animals, family & friends.  I am also getting tons of supports from IF board on the bump.  I cannot imagine what I would do without knowing the support community.  With all the support I have, I should be able to get through this.                      

CD 46: Middle of 2WW

Ok, it's been only 6 days post ET.  2WW after IVF is hands down my hardest milestone.  I heard it is pretty hard, but I didn't know how hard it was until I am actually going through.  I still have 6 days until my Beta and I am struggling a lot in the past few days. 

Little things irritate me.  My DH said "Why you are so hateful lately?"  I am constantly thinking about maybe this is a bust and embies didn't survive in my body.  My sore boobs are almost gone.  I am not bloated.  I don't have cramps.  I know everyone is different, but many ppl have some sort of early pregnancy signs.  I have none.  I really don't feel that implantation happend. 

 I am crying so often that maybe not matter how many IVF we tried, I will never ever get pregnant.  I seem healthy and lead a healthy life, but there is something wrong with me and I could be unexplained.  I heard about some women having a body rejects embryos because the body thinks they are bacteria or something. Do I maybe have that?          

I have been waking up early because I check my boobs to see if they are still sore or not.  I get disappointed as the soreness disappears.  I had a nightmare this morning.  It again woke me up early.  I have never been this up and down in my life, so I hate this. 

I went to a mall during lunch hour yesterday.  I saw a pregnant lady shopping with her daughter, and her new infant.  The first though it came to my mind was "OMG, how many do you need? (rolled eyes)"  I am freaking MEAN.  What is wrong with me.  I totally suck as a person right now.

I need a peace in my mind.  There are too much negative & dark energy in me right now.  I bought a yoga package, but I know regular yoga isn't good for pregnant lady and I don't want to hurt embies if they are still there.  The studio offers pre-natal yoga, but I am not pregnant, so I cannot go.  I just bought and downloaded Circle+Bloom - IVF/IUI Mind+Body program.  I wish I had known this before I started my fertility treatment.  There are chapters for 2WW after IVF, so I am thinking to find a park and listen in my car during lunch hour today.           

CD 41: Sad Day

I got a call from the clinic this morning and they told me none of the reminder 3 embies made it to freeze today.  I could tell right away from the tone of the nurse before she told me.  I thougth at least 1 would make it so I wasn't prepared for this.  It hit me hard after I hung up the phone.  I couldn't stop crying.  I know I have strong ones in my belly, but it's hard to face the reality that I don't have any backups for the future.  They were doing fine yesterday.  What had happened?  Everything was going so well with my IVF process so I became optimstic that I would even get some frosties.  Wrong....

I spoke with my hubby on the phone and cried.  He is very sad and wonders what went wrong.  At this point, we cannot keep wondering what happened to them.  We still have 2 growing in my belly, so we have to stay postive and have a faith.  Others weren't in the hands of God's plan.  They were not suppose to live for some reason.  Having a child is a miracle and I really get this now.  Good by little precious...I won't forget about you guys....    

CD 40: Egg Transfer - The final stage of IVF

Today was a big day because it was my egg trasfer date.  I wasn't sure how many embies survived up to today, so I was quite anxious.  I took a shower, ate breakfast and got ready.  They told me to drink a half bottle of water before coming so I did.  My appointment was @ 10:45 am and my DH was already there when I got there.  We waited for a while in the waiting room.  I started worrying "Are they having some issues with my embies?"  And also, I started getting an urge to pee!

We got finally called and I had to tell my nurse, I have to go to pee.  She let me go and gave me a apple juice to drink before ET.   

It was cool for DH to come to the procedure room.  He had to wear the hospital gown and he actually looked hot!  The procedure room was next to where ER was conducted.  The IVF nurse was the same one from ER, so I was glad.  They had a special gurney and a monitor.  Dr. Sheiber came in with a big smile and he said 2 embies are developing so well.  I was soooo happy to hear that.  Looks like 3 are still hanging there and growing.  If they made it to tomorrow, my clinic will freeze them.  I am sending big hurray to them. 

My doctor gave me a print of 2 embies.  They look like choclate chip cookies! 

The procedure was so fast and I didn't really feel anything.  It went so smooth and they pointed where the litttle embies landed on the ultrasound monitor.  It was external ultrasound for the first time.  Gosh, I am finally done with the vaginal u/s!  After the transfer, they gave a container where my embies were growing.  It brought me tear.  Our journey is not over yet, but I cannot believe we have come this far together.  Dr. and the nurse left and I had to lay down for 20 min so me and my hubby talked about our emotions.  It's amazing feeling. 

The 1st Beta is 7/17 and it feels so far, but I hope my embies found a nice cozy spot and keep growing.  At  this point, there is nothing anyone can do.  I just need to have a faith and be patient that they will grow.   

Chugging apple juice



2 rock star embies & container they were growing



2 embies placed in my uterus

I was told to take it easy and rest on the couch today, so that's exactly I did all day today.  I watched Guiliana & Bill on netflix and my friend came over to chat, so afternoon flew by fast.  It's strange but I feel like I am already a mom!  My hubby came home to cook pasta for me and he was super sweet.  I feel so blessed and very happy today :) 

CD 38: My precious embies are GROWING!

I was nevous and anxious this morning b/c today was supposed to be my 3day transfer date.  I woke up, took a shower and ate breakfast.  I didn't use a soap to wash my body and I didn't put make-up on because the IVF nurse said "No hair gel, perfume, etc on the day of transfer because embryos are very senstive to smell" 

My phone rang and it was from the nurse.  I took the call right the way and she said "Your embryos are doing great, so we want to do 5 day transfer.  This is great news b/c your chance of getting pregnant is 15% more"  I was like "YES!!!"  I was so happy to hear that my little precious are growing and doing well!!  Embies which made it to 5 days means they are strong.  Of course, something could happen between now and Thursday, but I couldn't help smiling about the news.  I called my hubby, mom and text my BFF. 

If feels surreal that one of (or two of) them will become our future child (or children).  My mind (I think my hubby, too) is pretty much set for transfering 2 this time.  I am almost 35 and I learned that doctors usually recommend to transfer 2.         

I am still sore, but I am feeling a lot better today.  I hope I feel great on my ET!!

CD 37: Recovery from ER

This pain post ER took me off guard big time.  I felt ok on the night of ER.  I was slow, but I could still manage to do low key stuff on Sunday.  Today.....I am dying from this pain!!  The pain level is getting worse everyday...The pain is different from a normal cramp.  It's more like I did sit-ups 100 times in 1 minute.  It feels like someone punched my stomache really hard.  Tylenol doesn't work at all (It never does for me).

I called my IVF nurse and they called CVS to prescribe Hydrocodon for me.  The CVS is about 5 minutes away from my house and I had never been this scared of speed bumps!  It was a torture to drive and walk from my car to the store.  I might pass out if someone made me jump right now. 

I just took a pain killer so I hope it works in a little bit.  I am still drinking tons of Gaterado.  I also bought a heating pad b/c the nurse told me it would help.

I am having yucky brownish discharge, but I know it's pretty common. 

Regardless of my freaking post pain, I am feeling better about ET.  It's tentatively scheduled for tomorrow @ 10:30, but if my 6 embies are looking good in the morning tomorrow, they will do a 5 day transfer!  First of all, my body isn't ready for a ET and second of all, 5T day transfer means stronger embies, so I am keeping my fingers crossed.    

I am now ready to lay on the couch and do nothing!!  

CD 35: ER CD 36: Fert Report

CD: 35 - My Egg Retrieval Day

It was my ER on Saturday morning.  We woke up early b/c we had to be in a clinic by 7:15 am.  I was told to take valium @ 6:45.  My bloating was better than yesterday, but I was ready to pop out my eggs!  I really felt like a mother of litters of puppies LOL

The nurse took my blood pressure and put IV after I got dressed in a hospital gown.  No make up, no jewelry and I had to wear a cap, so I look pretty hideous.  Then, I was taken to a surgery room.  I asked her "What is the average number of eggs to be retrieved?"  She said "6-10.  We don't collect the ones that are too small b/c they won't make it"  

RE got stuck in a traffic so he was running late for 30 minutes.  It was about 8:30 when he came in.  One of the IVF nurse said "I am going to sedate you now" and that was the only thing I remember.  I remembered seeing 3 ppl by my feet but I cannot remember anything.  When I woke up, I was in a recovery room and my DH was looking at me.  I was so groggy from sedation.  My head was spinning.  I managed to drink grape juice, but I passed out again.  Looks like I was there for a hour and I was finally feeling better.  The nurse said "We collected 9 eggs.  I will call you before 11 am tomorrow and let you know how many are fertilized."  

I wasn't feeling good in the car and as soon as I got home, I threw up.  I started feeling cramp, so I took 2 Tylenol and went to bed.  I slept for 5 hours and I started feeling better.  I am so happy that they collected 9 eggs, but I am now worried how many will be fertilized.  Waiting is so hard and scary that I wish I could hit "fast-forward" button!!!

CD 36:  Fertility Report

I started taking progesterone gel.  It's a virginal type and I have to do it in the morning and at night.  I heard that some girls have to take as a shot in their butt, so I feel bad about them!!!

We were in the church when a nurse called.  I was so anxious when I saw a missed call & voicemail as we were coming out of the church, my heart jumped.  We got into the car, turned up the phone speaker, and listened the voicemail.  The nurse said "6 out of 9 are fertilized and they are looking good.  We will do 3 days transfer so it will be on Tuesday"  I felt so relieved that 6 made it.  As I understand, 5 days transfer is better, so I was a bit bummed that they are doing 3DT, but I am not going to complain.  We most likely transfer 2 embies.  

I am still sore and it's hard to walk for a long time, but I really need to be in a perfect shape for ET.  I will definitely take it easy until Tuesday and hope all the 6 embies grow!!!